We rarely, if ever, relate truly to the person in front of us. Rather, we relate to and from our own personal wants, needs, standards and preferences - and how the other fails or succeeds to measure up to these. .
If the other person wants more than we do, they are needy, clingy, annoying, selfish, overbearing, too much. .
If the other person wants less than we do, they are distant, cold, aloof, selfish, emotionally unavailable, or plain assholes. .
When we relate in this way, we fail to recognize that our desires are ours, and others are in no way obligated to meet you there. When we relate in this way, we fail to recognize that another person wanting or needing something different than we do, is never personal in relation to us, it’s personal simply because it’s personal to them. .
We mistake intimacy for sameness and constant reassurance and attunement, and this is where most all relationships die, whether they be relationships with our family, our friends, or our intimate partners. Intimacy is is not necessarily about two people seeing eye to eye and constantly tending to the desires of another. Intimacy grows when two people with different sets of needs, desires, and preferences love and respect one another despite these differences. Intimacy is when we can be transparent about who we are, without expecting the other to change for us. .
Our wounding needs others to be the same as us and constantly treat us the way we have defined normal and good: we are unknowingly policing everyone against an invisible rulebook, a rulebook meant to keep our wounds from being exposed. Our heart, on the other hand, thrives on recognizing that each person is a constellation all their own, each with completely unique perspectives, desires, wounds and strengths, and is eager to learn and grow from being in their presence.
If you hold grievances in your life towards partners or friends that don’t meet your standard of perfection, it’s worth asking yourself if this standard brings you more good than it does disappointment, if your standard isn’t silent expectations and demands masquerading as a standard, and whether this standard is [CONTINUED IN COMMENTS]