I am not happy. I feel stuck, hopeless, exhausted and uninspired most of the time. But I KEEP GOING, in search of the light at the end of the tunnel. •
I am depressed. That’s a fact. And I know it’s common, that I am not the only one, and that my life is really not that bad. But it’s okay for me to feel the way I feel. I have to face my feelings and allow them to pass through me, not fight them to the death. I have to accept they are a part of me that I can’t part with. Because my current coping skills are... harming me and the people around me.
I genuinely miss feeling light and happy inside. I have been dealing with this heaviness for so long now that I barely remember there is another way to be me. When am I going to learn to let go and do the things that help without guilt ? I am taking steps to help myself, but even those feel selfish to me at times, and I almost want to backtrack. •
One thing I really miss is my morning routine in an environment I feel good in. And taking the time to meditate every single day. It’s been hard getting back into it. Finding the right time is still a challenge. Ever since I cancelled my gym membership, my routine is all over the place and I need to create myself a new one. Physical activity was a major stress relief for me, at least in the surface, so not having that has been tough. And of course my issues with food have been hard to deal with since I’ve started addressing them. Like so hard. I’ve never been one to eat junk in the first place, and I’m very sensitive to any kind of “clean”, “healthy”, “good for you” message, and realizing that almost everyone around me says and tries to live by these things is overwhelming.
My main goal though right now is to find joy again. To make time for creative activities without an end goal to it, making jewelry just because I like the process, taking pictures, hiking not for exercise but just to breathe more freely, one with Mother Nature, quietly reading for more than ten minutes. Just reconnect with who I am deep inside. I want to do other things than watching Netflix at night, to feel inspired and energetic enough to not be passive so much.
Rant over guys ⊾ happy Tuesday 🦈